Re: 100 Men Rise For V-Day: Why Are Vaginas Important To You?

**Trigger Warning: Discussions of/links to domestic/sexualized violence, sexism, cissexism, etc**

So I was surfing the interwebs and came across a video that made me simultaneously spit out my beverage and resemble grumpy cat.

 The video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPJ2gTUDTqU

To sum up this video:

lol! How do I feminism?

To sum up my reaction:

Again...

I can see what this campaign was trying to do, but they seriously missed the mark and instead threw more sexism onto the interwebs.

Issue #1: Not all women have vaginas, and not all people who have vaginas are women. (I believe the term is ciswashing).

Issue #2: The word they are looking for is "vulva" not "vagina". (The vagina is just the internal/canal part.  If you want to focus on sexuality of people with vulvas, maybe brush up on that cliteracy.).

Issue #3: HETERO NORMATIVE

Issue #4: Do we really need male support/approval before people with vulvas are allowed to embrace their sexuality? (The answer is nope).

Issue #5: Most of the listed reasons for vulvas being important have to do with what use they are to men (ie: birth/male pleasure/people who are important to men).

Issue #6: The video reduces people with vulvas to their sex organs in attempt to get people to stop perpetrating violence against them.

Not cool, bros. Not cool.

Yes, we all love a good joke about genitals (or at least I do) but we should all be doing more to help survivors of domestic and sexualized violence.  Yes, cismen do have a part in that but it extends much further than making vulva jokes and linking genitals to fabrics and breakfast foods.

Do it in the name of feminism & flannel
(Please don't actually look up this picture. Srsly ;_;)

It is great that more people want to get involved, and I can understand that it can become frustrating getting started when videos like this exist. Just where are you supposed to turn?

Fear not gentlebros, for I come bearing links!

For the men out there who want to help but just don't know how,
Here is a beginner's list on how to be a male ally in the fight against rape culture and domestic violence:
 1- Realize that you have male privilege (probably others as well) and that privilege has shaped your views and experiences.
 2- Educate yourself on rape culture, rape apologism, victim-blame/shame, etc.
 3- Admit that our society has a problem (quite a few actually).
 4- Realize that rape and domestic violence aren't only hetero crimes in which a man is the perpetrator and a woman is the victim.  Men can be victims, women can be rapists. People who fall outside the societal gender binary can be victims or perpetrators. 5- Don’t belittle or dismiss the experiences of other people. (Dat intersectionality)
 6- Realize that rape and assault are crimes of power, not passion.
 7- Rape jokes are harmful so speak up if/when you hear someone making a rape joke or blaming a victim.
 8- Don’t pass on sexts or support revenge porn.
 9- Respect the trauma triggers of others and use "Trigger Warnings" when necessary.
10-  Push for legal action to speed up the testing of rape kits.
11- Support local efforts that help victims/survivors (example: rape crisis centers)
12- Support local efforts that are working to combat rape culture (example: Slutwalk, Project Unbreakable, White Ribbon Campaign).
13- Believe people when they say that they have been victimized. Since rapists are considered "innocent until proven guilty," I am sure we can afford the same treatment to their victims. (From now on believe that a victim is telling the truth until it is proven otherwise).14- Don't support rapists- regardless if they are your friends or famous individuals.
15- Contact your local rape crisis center to find out how to better help the survivors you know.
16- Support the victim regardless of their gender, orientation, faith, cultural background, etc.
17- Realize that the police and court systems have a history of oppressing victims and minorities, so don’t expect that they will go to the police.
18- (This should go without saying) Don't abuse or rape anyone. Seek and promote enthusiastic consent within your sexual relationships.

Here is another list on how to help fight rape culture and gendered/relationship violence:

http://damsel-in-de-tech.blogspot.ca/2012/09/what-can-i-do-right-now-today-to-help.html
(^^^Damsel in de Tech is an amazing blog that is run by a friend of mine. I have been fortunate enough to have my writing be featured there before I had a running blog. The author is one of the most dedicated activists and awesome people I've ever met. Go check out her stuff and maybe you'll learn something or be amused).

I hope that in reading this you have learned something new, and I wish you the best luck in your quest to become a better ally.

Good for you. You are now one step closer to being a more tolerable human being.

Dear Cisgender People ~ Let's Talk Gender.

Dear cisgendered people,

            My name is Kira and I am an average person like you. I like lolcats and probably get a bit too much enjoyment out of playing Plants vs. Zombies. I have a rock collection and enjoy learning random facts for no reason what so ever.

Like you, I  have hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, hobbies and goals.

Like you, I am so much more than my gender identity but it is what I am going to talk to you about today.

You see, I am an agendered person who falls on the spectrum of gender fluidity.

This means that the vast majority of the time I don’t identify as male or female, but sometimes I can feel like either or both.

My preferred pronouns are singular non-gendered they/them/their.

I've always known that I was not female but have only found the proper terms this year.

I have been mostly out of the gender closet for over 5 months now.

and I don't plan on going back

I am writing this because we need to talk about your treatment of my gender identity. 

I get it, sometimes you slip up, or have just met me and therefore don't know how I identify, but that is not what I am talking about. 

Nope, not talking about that

I am talking about those of you who INSIST on using female pronouns and calling me a woman because you have opinions about my gender.

I didn't choose to be agender and gender fluid/queer any more than I chose to be pansexual or have a multicultural background.

You mean people don't choose to be born mixed race or queer?

I understand that many of you come from backgrounds that are socially conservative and thus ignorant of things like non-binary genders and non-heterosexual orientations.

You can't help your upbringing but you do have a choice in how you handle yourself today.
More exists outside of anyone's realm of knowledge, and just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it isn't valid.

Really? Yes, really.

None of us are the end all and be all of knowledge, but all of us get to define our own experiences. 

By denying and disrespecting someone's gender identity you are pretending that you know that person better than they know themselves. In doing so you are attempting to rob them of their right to their own experience.

That is not okay.

How about no?

Your opinions do not trump our identities and lived experiences. 

Frankly, I've grown rather tired of a lot of things. 

• I am tired of  western society's belief that gender and sex is binary- it's not, and never was.
• I am tired of  you thinking my gender fluidity cancels out my identity as an agender person.
• I am tired of  you using the wrong pronouns to try and correct me- tired of this verbal harassment. 
• I am tired of  having to choose between being myself thus risking physical violence, and putting on a costume to be safe.
• I am tired of  having that costume used as "proof" of my femaleness.
• I am tired of  having my identity be treated as a betrayal of the female gender.
• I am tired of  being told that my identity embarrasses you, and tired of having you enforce your idea of gender on me at family gatherings.
• I am tired of  being told that I must choose between our friendship and my identity.
• I am tired of  being viewed as being in the wrong for not accepting your verbal harassment. 
• I am tired of  that uncomfortable feeling and fear I get every time I have to use a gendered bathroom.
• I am tired of  having to put on a costume if I want to be hired and have a job.
• I am tired of  my identity being labelled as a mental illness by those of you who refuse to understand.
• I am tired of  you gaslighting us with your bullying and denial, then using our reactions as "proof" of our supposed mental illnesses.
• I am tired of  my gender identity being measured by what clothes I can afford and how passably masculine I can appear.
• I am tired of  masculine being considered the default look for agendered people.
  
  

Mostly, I am tired of your chosen ignorance and am done being quiet about this. 

Cisgender people, you have cisgender privilege and you need to come to terms with that.
Having cisgender privilege (or any other privilege) doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that your lived experiences have made you blind to a lot of the suffering people without your privileges face. 

It means that you've won a genetic lottery and because of that your opinion is considered to be more valuable, even when talking about things like cisgender privilege.

Like this but with cis opinions.

It means that you are more likely to be listened to and less likely to be physically harmed for existing.

It means that you can pretend that these issues aren't real and that minority groups are just being overly sensitive.

It also means that you should shut up and listen be aware of these things to avoid speaking for/over or silencing people who don't have your set of privileges.

More on cis opinions

Agender, gender fluid/queer, and transgender people aren't harming anyone by simply existing, and yet we are subjected to our families disowning us, our friends abandoning us, unfair treatment, discrimination in school and at work, bullying, hate crimes, "corrective therapies", and so much more.

It's called social injustice

This is 2013, yet we (along with many other minority groups)  are still treated as second and third class citizens.

This needs to change.

Here is a good example of what won't help^

Please understand that while many of us will attempt to educate you, it is in no way our jobs.  
None of us are perfect and none of us represent or can speak for queer people as a whole.

Don't be this guy^

Ultimately it is your job to educate yourself on these matters. 

(Seriously, you obviously have an Internet connection and resources on the interwebs exist).

Quickly, to the internet!

For those who do wish to learn and join the 21st century, here are a few links to help you begin your educational journey:

•  Gender Identity (a place to start): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity
• Agender/Genderqueer (a place to start): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agender
• A helpful visual to explaingender/expression/sex/orientation: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/
• Definitions: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/
• 30+ examples of cisgenderd privilege: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2011/11/list-of-cisgender-privileges/
• A. Stiffler's experiences as an agender person: http://chaoslife.findchaos.com/agender-agenda
• Understanding the Complexities of Gender: Sam Killermann at TEDx: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRcPXtqdKjE#t=166
• Ontario Human Rights Commission: http://www.ohrc.on.ca/en/gender-identity-and-gender-expression-brochure

There are so many more links available if you look. 

For those who don't wish to learn/will continue to perpetuate ignorance:  You are part of the problem, and I pity you.

For everyone else who might not fit into a gender box: continue to be fabulous.

The box, like the cake, is a lie.

Gender is something that is between your ears, not your legs.